We’ve been slowly making over our back family room for a while now and if there is one thing I know about how to decorate with a partner, it’s that sometimes it can be a struggle.
When we first moved in years ago, we painted our family room and made it usable but it really had no personality. As our taste evolved and how we actually lived in the house became more clear, we knew what we wanted it to be.
A cozy nook where Mike could game or watch football. Less formal than our front living room, with storage for books and a place for all the things we’d collected over the years.
When talking through the design and layout of the space, Mike had voiced that he wanted a deep sofa he could really sink into. A comfy place he could land to game or watch sports on Sunday. I wanted to add a bit of character by way of builtins.
We knew it would take time to get there and we weren’t in any hurry. The room was currently serving as our workout space and a spot for our new puppy to acclimate while we worked on finishing the builtins.
The Sofa Find that Derailed the Project
One day while out thrifting we came across a pair of CR Laine sofas. I knew they were well made and a high end brand worth the effort of reupholstering. I got super excited at the idea of being able to select our own fabric. Customizing the piece to our specifications. I didn’t really stop and think about the depth of the seat.
Mike, seeing how excited I was agreed that we should get one. We had the sofa reupholstered in a beautiful floral block print and it looks so good in the room. But the thing is, it’s not what Mike wanted.
It’s not deep enough and it’s not something he can be comfortable on while gaming or watching TV. He finally spoke up and reminded me of this. So, I started to rethink the design and began the search for a new sofa.
It’s not the first time this has happened and I know it won’t be the last. But I’ve gotten a lot better at navigating it. If you’ve ever tried to decorate with a partner who has a different vision than you, here’s what I’ve learned.
What I’ve Learned About Decorating with a Partner
For a long time I just went along with what Mike wanted. I wanted him to be happy and to love the space. I figured I could work around whatever piece he selected. But as I’ve gotten clearer on my own style and what I actually want our home to feel like, I’ve realized that giving in isn’t really the answer for either of us.
Mike doesn’t actually want me to just say yes. He wants us both to love the space. I’ve learned that with a little more intention upfront, we can get there without one of us feeling like we gave up everything.
Here’s the process I’ve figured out for how to decorate with a partner:
- Before you do anything, get clear on how the space needs to function
- Figure out what each person actually needs from the space
- Understand that compromise doesn’t mean one person gives up everything
- Identify where each person has strong opinions and where they don’t
- Design within those parameters so both people feel represented
How to Decorate With a Partner When You Have Different Tastes
Start With Function
Before you look at a single piece of furniture or pull one image for inspiration, talk about how the space needs to work. How will you both actually use it day to day? What does the room need to do for your family? This sounds simple but it’s the step most people skip, and it’s the one that causes the most problems later.
For example, we had agreed from the beginning that the family room was meant to be a cozy TV room where Mike could relax, watch football, game, and we could snuggle up for a movie night. That was our foundation and when I lost sight of it is exactly when things got derailed.
Figure Out What Each Person Actually Needs
There’s a difference between what someone wants and what they actually need in a space. For Mike, a sofa he can really sink into at the end of the day isn’t just a preference, that’s what’s going to make him actually use and love the room.
I need the space to feel layered and collected and like it belongs to us. When you know what each person genuinely needs, you have better parameters to design around.
Understand That Compromise Doesn’t Mean One Person Gives In
This is probably the biggest lesson I’ve needed to learn. I used to think compromise meant saying yes to whatever piece Mike wanted and then finding a way to make it work.
What I’ve learned is that real compromise means both people feel represented in the space. If one person has given up significantly more than the other it’s going to show.
That’s usually when you end up spending more money, because pieces that don’t really fit the room or the vision will feel forced and eventually may get replaced if it’s not working.
Figure Out Where Each Person Has Strong Opinions and Where They Don’t
Not every decision carries the same weight for both people. Mike has strong feelings about comfort and function. He doesn’t have strong feelings about throw pillows or window treatments.
I care deeply about both.
When you know where each person is flexible and where they’re not, you stop wasting energy negotiating over things that don’t actually matter to one of you and focus on the decisions that do.
Design Within Those Parameters
Once you know how the space needs to function, what each person needs, and where the non-negotiables are, you have a real framework to design within.
For me that means finding a sofa that gives Mike the comfort and depth he wants while keeping the lines clean enough that I can build a room around it that still feels like us.
And, as the design evolves, keep checking in. Tastes shift, priorities change, details can get lost, and what worked on paper doesn’t always work in the room. Staying in conversation throughout the process is what keeps you from ending up back at square one.
Where Does That Leave Us?
So, as I start the hunt again for the perfect sofa, I’m keeping in mind what Mike actually needs. A deep, comfortable sofa with a back tall enough that he can rest his head. As for the fabric, that’s up to me, though I was urged to seek something other than a floral.
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